


It's Not the End of the Road

by mangneov



Category: No Straight Roads (Video Game)
Genre: A lot of Hurt, Found Family, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Poor Expression of Emotions, Post-Canon, Serious talks about serious stuff, buckle in for a lot of sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27459274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mangneov/pseuds/mangneov
Summary: The NSR artists are forced to face uncomfortable truths and strengthen their comradery when one of their members begins to experience rapidly deteriorating health. Times may seem darker than they have in years, but surely there's still light at the end of the tunnel?
Relationships: DJ Subatomic Supernova & Blue | Purl-Hew (No Straight Roads), DJ Subatomic Supernova & Eve | Nadia (No Straight Roads), Eve | Nadia (No Straight Roads) & Neon J., Neon J./DJ Subatomic Supernova
Comments: 64
Kudos: 176





	1. Roundabout Way

Tatiana, inevitably, calls a meeting. They can't skirt around the subject forever, try as they all might. Subatomic gets the email at two thirty in the morning. He's at NSR tower by four (He had stopped for coffee in Natura to help get through Metro Division. When he arrives at the NSR bridge's security checkpoint, the coffee remains untouched).

The lobby is quiet. He doesn't see a single employee, paper pusher or security guard. He does, however, see Eve. She's waiting for the lift and her foot is creating a steady rhythm on the carpet. She's in a long plum coat that reaches above her ankles. It's the most conservatively he's ever seen her dress. 

He joins her in waiting, and she barely glances at him. She seems shaken.

"Coffee?" Subatomic offers, impossibly quiet. "One cream, no sugar."

Eve accepts it readily. It shakes in the transfer. She's quick to down a massive portion: the coffee has likely gone cold from its trip in his freezing car. 

When the lift arrives, they get on in silence. Eve is still ramrod straight. Her grip on the cup is claw-like. Her arm is wrapped tightly around her, and Subatomic can just catch a flash of yellow beneath the plum that suggests she came over straight out of bed. She at least had the composure to put on proper shoes. He left the house in his slippers.

As she takes another sip, he's tempted to ask why she's just now arriving. It was a group email. They all got it almost two hours ago. So why is she just now arriving? 

But he realizes he's letting himself become bitter. Bitter that she's so close and he's the farthest away, bitter that this meeting took a week to arrange, bitter that they're still all so scared to talk about it, bitter that he's scared too.

The lift stops, and they step off in silence.

The walk to Tatiana's office is a daunting one. It's so dark; some of the lights are still off for conservation of power; and it feels as though he is walking in blindness. Blindness of what's to come, mostly, and that terrifies him the most. Subatomic is a man that doesn't like interruptions, or alternations, or deviations. His biggest, most irrational fear is the unknown. And as Eve and he walk steadily closer to Tatiana's office, it's like he's walking straight into the maw of it. 

He's almost tempted to turn around and leave. Take the lift back down, drive back home, and lock the door. It's the coward's way out, he knows. And he is a selfish coward even when he doesn't turn around, even when he knocks on Tatiana's door, because the only reason he doesn't tuck his tail and run is because he knows he can't run forever. 

"Come in," calls the voice of a woman that is not Tatiana.

Eve brushes past him and into the room immediately. Tatiana's office is as dark as it normally is, but it's washed in blue instead of red. Moonlight bleeds across her furniture from the windows whose curtains have been drawn apart. Yinu and her mother are the ones letting the light in. Two members of the Sayu crew sit quietly beside Tatiana's desk. Tatiana herself is facing away from the room. Her gaze seems stuck on the horizon beyond the sea, and her arms are held loosely behind her back.

Subatomic stands in stunned silence and Eve crosses the room in four strides.

"Tati-" she says, and though her voice is level, the way it dominates the room is overwhelming, "-what is going on?"

Hardly a second passes before Yinu's mother speaks up.

"She got a call from the boys this morning," Jilpa says, her voice a hush. "Things...have not been improving."

"We already know that," Subatomic snaps. He finds himself hardly regretting it, even when her eyes widen. "We came here for specifics."

"And you will get them," Tatiana finally says. But she stays turned away.

"Can we stop being so vague? I need to- You need to-" He stops. All eyes are on him, and he suddenly cowers under it. He forces his fists to unwind, and lowers his head. "He hasn't be talking to me."

A muggy silence fills the room. He keeps his stare on the floor; cannot bare to look back up and face them. Whether it be their surprise, their sympathy, their annoyance, or their anger, he cannot bare to face it. 

A warm, red hand comes to rest delicately on his shoulder. He fights hard the urge to shrug it off.

"I don't understand," Eve says after some time. "The replacement shipment came in a few days ago, did it not? Did he not take them?"

"He did. But things change," Tatiana replies evenly.

Subatomic rolls back his shoulder roughly and the hand leaves it.

"Um, he's currently in Akusuka," a Sayu crew member, Tila, pipes up meekly. 

"He's in Akusuka?" Subatomic repeats, directed harshly at Tatiana.

"The General Hospital," Tila continues, hurriedly, standing up as if that would dispel the tension. "He came in last night, but it was kept pretty quiet. We didn't know until a few hours ago."

"It was then discovered that while he had accepted the shipment, the parts had later been handed off to the surgical wing of Akusuka General. Afterwards, an operation was scheduled for that Saturday rather than the Thursday we had been assured." 

And finally, after delivering such shattering information as if it were the weather report, Tatiana turns around to face the room, a file in her hand. Her eyes speak of endless exhaustion, and it catches Subatomic off guard.

"Here is the paperwork to prove it."

He dashes across the room to her desk. Eve is quick on the jump as well, and they both lean impatiently over the shoulders of the Sayu crew, who seem just as interested but far more reserved.

She's serious.

The papers are serious. The papers are signed.

His signature is printed in the corner. 

His J curls just like it does in his autographs.

Subatomic suddenly feels sick.

"Oh my god, this sounds serious," Eve mutters. Her eyes dart rapidly between the documents (There are five of them).

Subatomic excuses himself to a window. There's a shuffling of paper. A beat of silence.

"I'm not sure how much of the medical stuff I understand, but that tech damage alone..."

"Oh, there's more notes on the next page!"

"Under for three hours, oh my god..."

"Dr. 'Nova?" 

There's a tug at his sleeve.

He wrenches his gaze away from the skyline and to the girl beside him. Yinu's large, watery eyes are just as emotive as they were when she an infant. Her eyebrows are drawn together in fear, and he feels the pressure in his chest wrench just from looking at her. She's the perfect image of vulnerability. 

"Yes, my dear?" he asks. It comes out hollow.

"I'm scared," she whispers. "I'm really scared for Mr. J."

"We all are," he tells her, unable to completely clamp down the hostility. He wonders if she even notices.

"Is he...I mean-" Her eyes shine and her lips tighten, and he worries she's about to cry. "Is he going to die?"

"Do _not_ say that!" he barks, unable to help himself. 

Yinu steps back in alarm. 

The room hushes. 

His blood turns cold. 

"No- I didn't-" He drops his head into his hands. His heart feels as if it's going to beat straight out of his throat. "I am so, so sorry, my dear."

"Yinu? What happened? Why would you yell at her like that?" her mother's voice comes, accusatory. 

"No, mama," Yinu says. Her voice shakes. "I asked...I asked if he was going to die."

"Darling, you mustn't say such things!" Eve exclaims, shocked.

"I just was asking a question!" 

"Yinu, that is not an appropriate question to ask. This is a very sensitive issue. You cannot be so blunt," Tatiana joins in.

"But I'm worried about him!" Yinu persists shrilly.

He looks back up. Yinu is being ushered into her mother's arms. Eve has buried herself back in her coat, her face affronted. Tatiana is rearranging the documents. The Sayu duo remain seated, but they look to be in a daze.

"We are all worried about him, Yinu," Jilpa murmurs. She's running her fingers through her daughter's hair. "But they are right. This is a very sensitive issue."

Yinu sobs into her shoulder.

"Has anyone actually talked to J yet?" Subatomic asks, beyond weary.

"He hasn't been online to talk to," Tatiana answers him. "I was going to request a session as soon as visiting was allowed."

"We will be allowed to visit?" Eve perks up.

"In small groups, and probably not for awhile. Neon J's condition and situation have him marked as a special case," Tatiana sighs.

"What about 1010?" the other Sayu crew member, Sofa, asks.

"Barraca Mansion is on lockdown and Metro Division is going to be handled by the company for awhile. It's not ideal, but there isn't much else we can do. We're already up to our necks in press prep as is. Hopefully, 1010 performs like usual."

"This is going to be an astronomical hit," Subatomic mumbles, fingers massaging the temples of his helmet. "Metro Division is going to fall apart without him."

"Don't say that! We're all there to contribute resources and ideas. We can keep things running smoothly until he gets back," Tila counters semi-cheerfully. 

This sentiment seems to fall on deaf ears, however. Eve shakes her head and everyone else trains their eyes to the floor. Subatomic shuffles uncomfortably. 

"He may be gone for so long, though. We can't just hand off the key to his district. That would be irresponsible," Eve says.

"We're not giving away his district," Subatomic agrees.

"I didn't say we were, and neither did Tila," Tatiana interjects sharply. "And she's right. If we are to keep Metro Division from collapsing in J's absence, we will need to pool _everything_ together. We will need to work together, listen to each other, collaborate with each other, and maintain order with each other."

"Tati..."

"This is no different than any other time a district switches hands," Tatiana insists. She's come around her desk at this point, addressing the room with lowered shoulders. The Sayu crew exchange glances. Eve looks his way. 

"It has only been a few hours so far. Though the broader problems J is facing are apparently long standing, we've been assured that they aren't entirely unfixable. We know the strength of Akusuka's medical field. We know the strength that we all have when we work together. This cannot be something that rips us all apart, especially when we are down a member. I will not allow it."

"You are right, Tatiana," Jilpa says. She turns to face Subatomic. "I'm sorry, 'Nova, for Yinu's question. But we can't hold animosity towards each other right now."

"I understand," he sighs. He really tries his best to sound friendly. 

"We're going to meet again tomorrow," Tatiana continues. She ushers Subatomic and the mother-daughter pair over with her hand. The group comes to stand in an odd semi circle around her desk, the mood sour but decidedly attentive. 

Tatiana looks out across the artists, arms folded.

"You all are going to go home and get some rest. You aren't going to work on anything that isn't urgent. You are going to collect your thoughts, boost your spirits, and come back at ten tomorrow morning with determination to struggle through this with the team. This is not a hopeless situation. We are all- every single on of us- going to make it out the end of this."

There's a chorus of agreement, ranging in enthusiasm but certainly more upbeat than the tone a few minutes ago.

Tatiana sighs. The barest rays of sunlight are beginning to turn her crystalline hair pink.

"You are dismissed."

:::

Subatomic takes the long way home, which means he spends an hour in Dreamfever before he takes the back roads back to Cast Tech.

Most of that time is spent watching Eve pace back and forth. He'd offered to chauffeur her back to her apartment upon learning she'd walked to the tower, and in turn she'd offered him inside for a drink. The drink had turned into another cup of coffee for her and silence on the couch for him.

It's been awhile since he's been to her apartment. In fact, he's hardly been inside it at all. They did used to meet up for drinks a lot, especially when she was very new to NSR (he's always had an unfortunate affection for outcasts), but that had always been at public establishments. And J had always been with them.

Subatomic feels another wave of unease flow through him.

"This is making it worse, isn't it?" Eve asks, attentive as ever.

"I can't say it's helping," he says honestly, "but I'm not sure if I can handle being alone right now."

Eve sets her mug down harshly on a countertop.

"I'm not sure I can either, and I'm sorry. I'm getting caught up in my own head again, aren't I?"

He sighs, deeply and sadly. "Nadia..."

"Do you remember when I first joined NSR? The night we had our first real conversation? And I was still a little bit 'Nadia', and I wasn't quite 'Eve' yet?" Her voice comes out wet. "I remember feeling so afraid when Tatiana left my side. I remember being so overwhelmed by questions and people, and when I went outside and saw you two, I was afraid of you too. But you..." She sniffs roughly, and Subatomic gets to his feet. "Subatomic, you two actually talked _with_ me."

"Nadia, what's this about?"

"Not right now," she asks.

"Eve." He sets a gentle hand on her shoulder, just part of his thumb and palm. "Eve, he's- he's going to be alright."

"He's not been talking to you."

"He hasn't been talking to you either!" he retorts, and it's a weak protest even before its said.

She smiles sorrowfully.

"You know it's not the same thing. Not the same thing at all."

He leaves her side. He can feel her eyes watching as he walks back to the sitting area. His head aches, his heart aches, and he hasn't felt such gripping fear in a long, long time.

"I don't understand it. There was nothing wrong a week ago. We were just fine a week ago, even a few days ago. I don't understand why he didn't tell me, or why I didn't see it."

She stays silent.

"And I'm worried about what will happen while he's gone. It's not just the three- it's not just three of us anymore, but... _him_ leaving us was one of the biggest hits we've ever taken. Eve, I'm worried that what happened with him is what- is what will happen with J. I don't want it to. I don't know what I'd do if it did and that's why it can't, but we're both so...Eve, he's going to be alright."

After a moment, there comes a quiet, shaky, "Subatomic, I hope you're right."

And then she turns into her kitchen to put her mug away.

He hopes he's right too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I'm writing a multi-chapter NSR fic. Maybe it's not what I'm known for, but really long, really sad, chaptered fics are actually how I got my start on Archive. My completion rate isn't stellar (though I swear Waterspout will update any day now) but I'm pretty determined to see this one through. 
> 
> This fic in particular is inspired by one or two pieces of fanart I've seen of White carrying on J's mantle and donning his coat and role. Of course, I went ahead and made it a lot more serious, but I promise this isn't going to be an all sad fic! It's going to be more of a downer than some of the other stuff I've written (cough cough), but I want to keep joy present throughout. 
> 
> This fic will primarily be exploring relationships. I have opinions on J and his boys, J and Sub, J, Sub, and Eve (which I'm most excited for) and others which I'm sure will develop as time goes on. This will probably be a long process, but who knows! Maybe I'll start a posting schedule sometime in the future.
> 
> In the meantime, I hope you've enjoyed the start! Comments and corrections, as always, are appreciated.


	2. Mixed Tension Migraine

When Subatomic gets back to his apartment in Cast Tech, it's just past seven in the morning. He had been planning on going back to sleep, just for an hour or two, and recharge a bit before he dealt with...everything.

But now, as he pokes around aimlessly in his fridge, the idea couldn't be less appealing.

He's not _really_ an insomniac, but his thoughts tend to keep him from sleep sometimes. It's more so because he doesn't want to; in total darkness and quiet his thoughts just get louder. 

It used to be hell to deal with. He'd gotten a prescription for it, one that probably didn't work because of his unique anatomy, and had instead developed a habit for working late into the night until he got taken out by pure exhaustion.

J is better at dealing with it than him.

Subatomic closes his fridge abruptly. He's out of eggs. 

Breakfast is crossed off the list of things to do (Unless he wants to go out and grab something from somewhere, which he really doesn't) and grocery shopping is added for some point in the future. It leaves him with a couple more tasks that should be finished but he's not sure he'll even be able to start on. There's always things to do for the betterment of Cast Tech, and they've become less musically inclined over the years as the districts became less monarchical after the Rock Revolution. 

He understands why, but it still saddens him sometimes. His music has always been such a big part of him, and yet it feels like he makes it less and less every year. At some point, scary thought that it is, he knows he'll have to retire. He knew it seventeen years ago when he was technically a little 'old' to be entering the industry. It's not a much discussed topic among the NSR artists, really it only ever came up when Jilpa stepped down, and that was so long ago he can't even remember what he said.

He and J avoided the topic like wildfire, mostly because of what it would mean for the two of them. 

Subatomic curses and realizes he has to decide if he's going to ignore the J issue or if he really, really wants to think about it. As much as simply reminiscing about the man is making his chest hurt something terrible, it'd be more painful to pretend things were normal. Technically they were, a few days ago. He and J had had lunch together at Barraca like it was no big thing, and it had been pleasant and quiet and J had been just fine.

He'd been animated and cheerful and lovely. They had been talking about everything and nothing, as was typical for them, and then Blue and Green had come downstairs to say hello-

Shit.

He hasn't even talked to the boys yet.

All this time on his hands and he hasn't even checked in on J's boys. He's probably going to be the last one to do so at this point. He, who is their most frequent visitor, and practically a second father figure to them at this point (Words from J's mouth that had been hard to hear then and now).

Subatomic runs a hand over his face and quickly dials Blue. All these years later, he's only collected three of the android's numbers, and he feels especially shitty about it now. He wouldn't be surprised if Blue didn't pick up. A phone call from "dad's boyfriend" is probably the least of his concerns right now.

It goes to voicemail. Subatomic curses again as the automated message plays. 

He should've asked about them during the meeting.

He should've called them as soon as he'd gotten the email.

He should've driven straight to Metro Division.

His phone beeps.

"Hello, Blue," he starts, unable to keep the strain out of his voice. He clears his throat. "Hello, Blue. I hope you and your brothers are doing alright. I'm very sorry I didn't call earlier. It's...it's been a tumultuous few hours, as I'm sure you've been experiencing yourselves."

If he had a proper face, he'd be wincing hard right now.

"We had a meeting with Tatiana this morning. I'm not sure if you got the email, but we heard about everything. Um, yeah, about...about J."

He exhales, long and slow.

"I really hope you boys are doing alright. I know you were with him for a little bit, but I hope you're all back home right now and you're safe. I cannot imagine what it's been like for you, and I'm sorry I wasn't there...and I'm sorry I didn't notice anything sooner."

He's quiet for a very long time, and it's going to be obvious in the voicemail. 

He drags his hand down his face, looks out the window and braces himself against the counter.

"...Would it be alright if I dropped by later? Feel free to decline, but I just want to make sure you're all doing okay. I know you can take care of yourselves, and you don't need me at all, but I just...I almost feel I have a responsibility to check in on you. Let me know if you need time or if that'd be okay. I won't think poorly of you if you turn me down. Otherwise I'll see you...well, in a few days, I hope."

He throat grips for a second. 

"Goodbye, Blue," he gets out weakly. "Know that I'm thinking of all of you right now."

He ends the message.

Immediately he feels he didn't say enough. He's usually so wordy and eloquent. His composure must be slipping more than he thought if he could barely make it through one short voice message. Blue knows he's not a man of few words. God, he's going to think he was completely insincere...

Subatomic sighs roughly and shoves his phone into his back pocket. He needs to distract himself, because Blue will call or text him back at some point, he knows it. Never have the two of them left a conversation unfinished. 

Even if it's just to tell him off, he's sure Blue is going to answer him.

But his gut still rolls with unease (and hunger pangs), so he moves to the sitting room and looks for something to occupy himself. A glance from his bookshelf to his shuttered windows to his music equipment only leaves him feeling directionless, and his discomfort increases tenfold. Being underwhelmed and uninterested by his own possessions is always a disturbing experience. Mutely, he makes his way over to the couch to try and center himself.

His gaze catches his laptop, left in the center of the coffee table. Yes, that has work on it that should be done.

He opens up his laptop but does nothing but stare at it for awhile. 

He knows that he has building permits to apply for that had been so urgent just last night, but his thoughts of J overshadow that now. He can feel himself becoming frustrated. Thinking about him is stressing him out beyond belief, especially because he knows so little details, but he can't bring himself to focus on anything else. In a perfect scenario, he'd be at Akusuka General right now. 

It's so unbelievably unfair that he's so in the dark,

He starts going through the permits, all the while thinking such things. He still doesn't understand why J didn't tell him anything. Did he tell his boys? Did he even know what was coming? What could have triggered so many problems to arise all at once? 

He starts looking through the budgeting. J had been planning on replacing a few small parts, that much he was told. Replacements and repairs were few and far between for him, at least compared to the androids, and Subatomic could only recall two or three times, including the Rock Revolution, he'd needed them done.

 _I should have known_ , he thinks again, bitter and almost mournfully. _When I was talking to him or holding him I should have known._

His phone rings jarringly, and he jolts fully upwards. It's almost like an out of body experience, because when he sees a fully filled out permit and a clock that has passed twenty minutes, he can't say he remembers either of those things happening. 

Willing the residue shake from his hands away, Subatomic fumbles for his phone. It's Blue.

He answers quickly. 

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr. 'Nova." Blue is just as quick to respond. "I just got your message. Sorry I missed you. We're kinda all over the place right now."

"As I assumed. Don't apologize for it," he sighs, but he feels a little lighter to be hearing that voice again.

"Okay. Can I do anything for you?"

"I was just calling to make sure you all were alright. And I wanted to apologize myself for not calling earlier."

"Oh. Don't worry, you don't have to apologize either. You're the first not-a-doctor that's called me today, so I don't mind at all." That catches Subatomic by surprise. "Well, I guess you're technically a doctor. But. We're doing...well, not very well. White and I are sorta in charge right now. We're all pretty upset, but I think the others are taking it extra hard."

"You sound remarkably calm," Subatomic notes. 

"Sound, not am," Blue admits. "I have my modulator up to eleven right now. Internally, I feel fried. It's been a really, _really_ rough few hours, but J trusted me to keep order so I'm doing my best."

He wasn't aware that J had woken up. It's simultaneously incredibly relieving and worrying. He rubs at his wrist.

"That can't be good for you," he says. 

"It isn't," Blue snaps. "But he's not here right now and we can barely take care of ourselves when he is so-"

"I'm not against you, Blue," Subatomic cuts in with a sense of urgency. Guilt creeps through his chest. "Believe me, I'm not doubting you. I'm just a little worried. It's not easy news to take."

"No, it wasn't," Blue says quietly. 

Subatomic sighs.

"You must've heard my offer to come over but I'm not sure if that's a good idea anymore."

"No, no, you should, actually!" Blue says, perking up suddenly. "I was- J told us to call you first if we were having trouble with anything, when he woke up. I mean, it's really tense here but I'm sure White and Green wouldn't mind."

Again, he's surprised. Even if he's the one arguably closest to J, there's little more he can do than provide stiff comfort. Which was his plan anyways, but the fact that J directed the boys as such...

"Blue, I'm not so sure-"

"I'm serious, Mr. 'Nova. At least, I don't know, tell us about the meeting that we missed or something. I'm not saying we need a distraction, but if we can just take our minds off it for a little while-" He sounds desperate.

Subatomic can feel his reservations slipping. "Alright, if it's going to help you. Any sign that I'm making things worse and I'm leaving, though."

"Okay, that's fine. Thank you." His voice levels out. "When should we expect you? We'll have to turn off security temporarily, because it's all the way on right now."

"I can be there in half an hour...eight twenty or so."

"See you then, then," Blue says. It's a farewell.

"Yes, goodbye." Subatomic ends the call.

Putting his laptop away and tidying up is a quick affair. He's downstairs soon enough, putting on the correct footwear this time. Briefly he wonders how much the public is aware of the situation, and if he'll have to be careful about choosing his entrance into Barraca. If it's to be like a typical visit, he'll be let in through the side or back anyways.

All in all, he's out the door four minutes after his call with Blue ends. His emotions are in disarray; tentative relief, rising worry, and all the while his nerves feel very alight. He hopes that talking to the boys can calm him down a bit. Blue hadn't made any distressed comments about J's health, which could be taken as a positive. 

He'd sounded far more strained about the situation at Barraca. Subatomic had only been alone with the boys once before, years and years ago. It'd gone smoothly enough; they'd barely acknowledged each other, and he'd never had to do it again. 

So he's a bit worried about what he's going to find and how he's going to help. Ideally, the visit will be quick and informal and no party leaves feeling worse. Quick and informal he can do, but then he can only hope the third follows naturally. 

Subatomic sighs.

He'll try and be positive, at least. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I write about Subatomic's throat I don't think he actually has one.
> 
> In all seriousness this chapter was kinda a drag to write. In my experience, it's very boring to write and read about only one character. Blue and Sub's dialouge was by far the most fun part to write (Blue is the only one Subatomic will ever excuse for calling him mister), but it's a pretty lukewarm chapter overall. 
> 
> The next one is bound to be far more interesting, since Sub'll be heading to Barraca! I'm very excited to start on it. I have extremely limited experience writing those characters together, but I absolutely love everything I've read ("It's Okay to Just be Pluto" and "The Talk" *cough cough*) so I hope it goes smoothly. 
> 
> Look out for the update in a week or less, hopefully. I haven't comitted to an exact schedule but that's about the pace I've been writing at :)


	3. Uibus Abeoji

It's strange, being at Barraca mansion in daylight yet being surrounded by silence. Night is when the place sleeps. It's when the boys are in recharge or out in performance and the place is left completely empty. 

But right now he can hear nothing but a faint breeze and the ventilation running. The windows are closed and the curtains drawn, but light still spills through where it can. Subatomic finds it almost foreign. He's used to being greeted loudly, or hearing music playing from somewhere, or the thunderous sound of running upstairs because those boys couldn't control their volume. 

He can feel his chest sinking as he looks around the place. 

The deep reds and browns of the place that usually create such a warm and loud environment feel sterile and old instead, like the unappealing set design of a bad period piece. It's tidy if nothing else, but that almost adds to the loneliness. 

Suddenly, there's footsteps. He turns to the main staircase to see Blue heading down from the east wing. He's always been the kindest to the stairs out of all of them.

Subatomic breathes a heavy sigh of relief upon seeing him. He's in one of his preset stage outfits, one with a long coat (it seems to be a theme today), and looks incredibly well put together considering the circumstances. At seeing his visitor, he jogs the final steps between them and comes to a tentative halt directly before Subatomic at the door of the large foyer.

"Mr. 'Nova-" he starts, voice crisp and now obviously thick from his modulator, "-thank you for coming. I really, seriously appreciate it."

"It's no big deal. Thank you for letting me in."

Blue tents his fingers together, glances off in the direction of the kitchen. Subatomic follows his gaze but finds nothing.

"Green and White'll be down in a sec," he says, drawing Subatomic's attention back. Blue keeps staring off.

"How are you all doing? And the others?" Subatomic asks, voice quiet.

"About- about the same as when you called," Blue answers, surprisingly breathy for an android. "I told everyone that you were coming, but I only went to White and Green's rooms and they were the only ones that answered me."

"I see..."

"You gotta give them some time, man. Red and Yellow are probably going to be down for the count for awhile..."

"-m coming! Slow down, I said I was sorry!" A voice comes from the staircase. Subatomic and Blue both glance up.

"Blue!" shouts the same voice, though it's tone is slightly harsher so it's presumably someone else. "Green shut himself in the workshop again!"

It's...surprisingly petulant.

"What?" Blue calls, faces away, but Subatomic flinches at his volume anyways.

"I found him locked in there ten minutes after we first dragged him out, and he wouldn't let me in _again_ -"

The new set of footsteps comes to a peak right as White emerges around the corner and reveals himself as the owner of them. He freezes instantly, right in the middle of his sentence. Green arrives just a second later, almost bumping into him in surprise.

"Yeah, I told you he was here," Blue says, almost nonchalantly. 

White gathers himself quickly.

"Yes. I see. Sorry about that, Doctor."

"It's...it's alright."

"Dr. 'Nova is here?" Green squeaks, sounding mortified. The look he shoots at the back of White's head is poisonous, even without a flexible set of features. 

Subatomic shifts uncomfortably.

"How was the drive over? How are you doing? Would you like anything to drink?" White asks, making his way downstairs. The thin layer of frustration and upset has melted away completely, though his voice is still nowhere near as smooth as it normally is. 

"It was fine," Subatomic assures him. 

He does a quick once over of the three brothers now before him. White and Blue are in a very different condition than Green, and what once looked like determined calmness is now closer to disturbing when compared to Green's frazzled state. 

"And I'm doing alright, or as alright as I can. Knowing that J is awake is...is reassuring. How are you two holding up?"

White simply stares at him. 

"Terrible," Green warbles in contrast. "I felt a bit better when he woke up too, but I'm still so, so worried about him. Something happened to his comms mod so he can't even talk to us."

"Well, isolating yourself in the workshop isn't going to fix _that_ ," White mumbles, more to himself.

Green's eyes flash in emotion but he doesn't provide a rebuttal.

"It's not all doom and gloom, though," Blue cuts in. "The mechanics at Akusuka General estimated his basic functions repairs time to be only a collective forty three hours. His sonar and vitals will be back up then, basically."

"They don't know about the more organic stuff, though..." Green adds quietly.

"But he'll be ready for visitors in a few days?" Subatomic asks him.

Green seems surprised. "He will! Um, it's gonna be pretty strict though. I'm sure everyone wants to see him but...it wasn't good."

"Tatiana showed us the medical report," Subatomic tells them, gently as he can. Even with rigid facial features, he can see the last dregs of optimism leave them at this news. The way their heads dip in unison makes his chest ache painfully. 

"Oh. I was hoping she wouldn't so soon," Blue admits. "To be honest...it doesn't look better in person."

"But he recovered faster than the BBJ situation," Subatomic says, like it holds any weight.

White stares at him again. "You know that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't matter that he woke up faster than we did. _We_ don't have living, working organs to rely on. _We_ have our memories and our personalities backed up on some software, somewhere at all times. _We_ are replaceable."

"White!" Blue exclaims.

"I meant it as a positive!" White retaliates, and he sounds genuinely regretful. But the weight of his words still hangs heavy in the air. "I just- I just meant that we don't have to be as careful as he does."

"He is careful, mostly. However, I'm sure things slipped his mind, or he didn't notice that problems were arising. These things happen," Subatomic attempts to placate. 

"Huh, so when did you start knowing more about him than us?"

"White!" This time, it's from Blue and Green in unison.

"I'm sorry!" White shouts, sounding actually mortified with himself. And frustrated. Very, very frustrated (or as much as he can). "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm supposed to be better at controlling myself than this."

"Yeah," Green says at the same time Blue does, "It's okay."

Subatomic is overtaken with the feeling that he really shouldn't be here. The androids, evidently, are too, because when they look back at him their body language suggests they forgot he was there at all.

"Uh, do you want a glass of water?" Green pipes up, already sidestepping in the direction of the kitchen.

Subatomic clears his throat. "Yes, that would be nice." 

He starts following Green even though he didn't suggest it, just as desperate to get away from the heavy air in the foyer as he is. Green picks up his speed marginally, but no one says anything about it. By the time the two of them reach the kitchen, they're a whole hallway down from White and Blue. And Subatomic's not about to expend any energy just for the sake of eavesdropping on _that_.

As soon as Green steps inside, it's clear he wasn't planning on grabbing a glass of water. Or having someone follow him. He just sits down at one of the stools at a countertop, head in hands, and back turned.

"You really don't have to stay any longer, Dr. 'Nova," he mumbles. "I'm sorry this visit went so badly."

"Green, it's okay," Subatomic starts, racking his brain in record time for consolation. "I didn't expect one of my normal visits. Something very serious just happened that affects you five the greatest. It was never going to be smooth sailing."

"I know but...I'm handling it the worst, aren't I?" He pulls in on himself, throws a defeated look over his shoulder. 

While Subatomic spends the most time with Blue by far, he's had more than enough interactions with Green to understand his body language. It does help that he's one of the more expressive of the boys.

"Green, no, there's no 'worst' way of handling it," he says, hushed. It's not a tone he uses often. It's usually not necessary. 

"White's been making it seem that way, though," Green mumbles. "I don't want to drag you into our personal life but...Well, you saw earlier. He's upset with me because I keep spending time in J's workshop. It's technically _our_ workshop now, because I spend a lot of time in there too, but White keeps saying it's a waste of time."

Subatomic remembers the two of them, Green and J, talking about spending more time in the workshop with one another as of late. Apparently Green's interest in robotics was long standing, and J had been all for encouraging it.

"Why would it be a waste of time?" he asks.

Green makes a noise of frustration. "That's just it. I don't know. He said I can be doing things more helpful than just moping in there, but I'm not 'moping'. Working on stuff in there helps clear my head and he just doesn't get it."

Subatomic sighs.

"Well, what have White and Blue been doing since you got back?"

"Blue's been making calls; mainly he's just been waiting by his phone all morning...White's kinda been prowling around, 'checking in' on us. I think Yellow and Red are done with him too. Yellow keeps telling me how he just wants him to leave him alone."

"But Yellow _is_ talking to you?"

"Through my comms, yeah."

"I'm sorry, I feel like I came at a very fragile time."

Green shakes his head, but at that angle it's hard to to tell in what direction. "Yeah, I agree. But, I dunno, maybe J had a plan. He told us to call you if we were having any trouble."

Subatomic still doesn't understand why. "I know."

Green sighs, which is always a weird sound. "Look Dr. 'Nova, you really don't have to stay. You look uncomfortable and I'm not sure if the situation is going to improve here any time soon."

"That's the thing, though," Subatomic says, even though he really wants to take Green up on his offer. "You all want the situation between yourselves to improve, that's obvious. Yet you're being antagonistic with each other anyways. J assigned two moderators when I think you never needed one in the first place. You boys function better as a unit, but trying to force yourselves together is doing the opposite of helping.

What I would suggest, and this is just my own opinion, is that you all take a little bit of time apart. It doesn't have to be long, just twenty minutes or so, and the three of you just split up and spend some time away from each other. It seems to be working for Yellow, if you two started talking despite the animosity elsewhere. I've seen that this usually helps. Taking a break from what you're used to, your norm, can get you back to a ground state and help you reflect. Think of it as a...cool down period."

Green has turned to face him, but his shoulders still suggest unease. "I- You think that would work? It's weird because I do kinda want to be alone, but that also sounds...scary right now. I don't know. I'm sorry."

Subatomic comes to stand at his side. The hand originally aiming for Green's shoulder lands on the countertop instead when the android flinches in surprise. His fingers curl imperceptibly in regret.

"Never apologize for something like that," he sighs. "It was just a suggestion, you don't need to take it to heart, Green. Here. I was talking to Eve earlier, and we both said the same thing. I spent a little time with her and when I got home, it wasn't long before I got a call from your brother. Though the time in between was not...enjoyable, it cleared my head, if just marginally. If you want to try it yourself, take it a little at a time. If you think about it, that's what you were doing in the workshop."

Green groans. "But that's what White was getting upset about. We're back to square one."

"I think he's just concerned about you," Subatomic says patiently. "J's told me that working in there can be just as draining as it is therapeutic."

"I guess it is sometimes."

"If you all have been up since yesterday, you're probably low on energy. White is likely just worried you'll work yourself out of power."

"Then why did he yell at me?" It comes out sadder than Subatomic is sure Green meant.

"He's under as much stress as you. People are just like that," he sighs, twinges of frustration being fought against hard. When Green doesn't answer, just stares at his palms with a kind of intensity, he wagers a tilt of the head that brings their fields of vision more in line. "I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help to you."

"It's okay. Really. This isn't your problem anyways." Green faces him fully then. "But it's good, I guess, that you came over. This is the most I've talked to someone since we came back."

"Oh."

"I don't know if I feel any better but-" he shrugs morosely. "It's out there now."

"That's step one, I suppose."

Green considers him. "Yeah, that's...surprisingly positive. Not that you're not, _not_ positive but. I don't know. I expected you to be more sad when Blue said you were coming over."

The childlike naivety of it reminds Subatomic that even though it's been many years, the boys have maintained an almost teenage mindset. Compared to milestones in the other young artist's lives; Yinu starting secondary school, the Sayu team having their first drinks and considering university, Eve growing from meek to modest to fully confident in herself; it touches him with a bittersweet sadness he cannot explain. They've still all evolved and matured, Green himself being a prime example, but Subatomic wonders if they'll ever truly grow beyond what they are now.

"Yeah, more like that," Green says in the void of silence. 

"Apologies. I just disappeared for a second, I think." He clears his throat. "And I am sad, as you put it. I'm certainly not feeling well. I'm just trying not to make things worse, give J some merit for suggesting to call me."

"We'll be able to see him again soon. I'm just scared that everyone will be afraid of what he looks like. I was."

Subatomic doesn't have a response for that.

"Do you actually want some water?" Green asks quietly. "I can order some food for you, or we can have one of the bots make you something if you want to stay for lunch."

"I wouldn't want to impede," Subatomic says, caught off guard. But even with his current time in Barraca going less than pleasant, the offer of food that he doesn't have to pay for or make himself is tempting.

"I was going to test my oral intake this week anyways. I have those ports that can, um, simulate the effects of food and I've been trying to graduate to solid stuff." Green gets quieter as he continues, slowly drawing in on himself until he's mumbling again. "We don't even have to eat with the others; it'd be like a cool down period."

"If it would help you relax."

"I think it would," Green says. "But if White comes back, you have to take my side, okay?" 

There's underlying an plea there, so faint Subatomic almost misses it. 

"Of course," he promises firmly.

And Green's lip plates raise in the smallest mimic of a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing Subatomic as a pretty friendly and caring guy for most of this. More so than in canon, anyways. I should specify that he's not always like this. I just think it'd be cute if he had a soft spot for kids (and outcasts, by his own admission).
> 
> Dialouge heavy chapter to make up for the lack of last time (and so I forgot how to write Sub's *cries*). I hope I didn't write Green too similar to Blue. Hopefully his talking quirks are enough? There'll definitely be way more Blue in the future so it shouldn't be an issue. And things are starting to get marginally better for everyone. Let's see how long that lasts!
> 
> Also italicizing this chapter was a nightmare and I never want to do it again.


	4. Lime-Mushroom Jam

Subatomic and Green order from one of the Metro Division Falk's Burgers, of which there are apparently now three. The double cheese burger gets split in half, as does the bag of crisps. Subatomic holds onto the two variations of purple mint-candies for himself and Green is given the rest.

Blue and White had left the foyer when Green went to answer the door. He'd let Yellow and Red know that they were welcome to come down, but so far neither had taken up his invitation. To be honest, Subatomic prefers that. Conversation with Green is polite and casual, and he doesn't need to feel the tension of two more brothers. 

"It's been awhile since I've had something like this," he says, watching Green awkwardly dissect his half of the burger into edible pieces with a spoon. "NSR started expecting that of its megastars even eight years ago."

"Whenever we do simulations, it's usually more on the junk food side of things," Green answers happily. His food has been absolutely massacred, but looks like it'll be able to fit into his intake now. 

"I don't envy you," Subatomic says. "At my age, one of these a day would probably give me heartburn. I suppose I can thank the only other artist of even slightly similar anatomy to mine for having persuasive, health-nut beliefs."

He brings his food up to his mouth, and a part of it is dissolved into his head. The taste is just as greasy, rich, and seasoned as he remembers from a lunch date long forgotten. It's almost overwhelming when compared to his normal diet. 

He's quick to dig in.

"Eve, right?" Green asks. A bit of burger, tragically, is parked before his mouth on his spoon.

"Pardon?"

"I was wondering if you were talking about Eve. She did all that healthy eating promotion a few years ago, and she just seems really fit. You meant that she got you to eat like that, right?"

Subatomic huffs. "I got myself to do it; Eve provided the resources."

Green makes a neutral sound and turns his attention back to his spoon. To make matters worse, he's crowned the bite with a crisp. Subatomic is all parts appalled, intrigued, and for some reason, nostalgic.

"There are plenty of nice places in Natura," he starts up again, turning his attention away from Green's lunch and back to his own. "I've mainly gone for coffee, but the district has a reputation of class and classics for a reason."

"I prefer the food in Metro Divison and Akusuka, and even Cast Tech." 

Subatomic is torn between pride and suspicion. 

"Have you eaten food from any of those districts?" he asks, deciding that either reason Green mentioned his district is fine by him.

"Well...I haven't yet. But I plan on it."

"So how can you declare the cuisine of those three your favorite?"

"I've been judging based on aesthetics-" Green explains, "-though I can just tell Metro's stuff tastes amazing. We have all the cool themed desserts, right? But Cast Tech does too. And both of them have Camou, which I've wanted to try since we opened the first one up. Akusuka has all the good snack food, and J's always telling us about how much he loved seafood before he couldn't eat it anymore." He tapers off slightly at the end.

Subatomic grabs a crisp. It's comically small between his fingers.

"You're right about that. About J and theming."

Green nods solemnly and finally eats his burger bite. His expression betrays nothing as it's processed. 

"Did you ever...I don't know, go out to eat with him? At a nice place in Akusuka or something?"

Subatomic doesn't know why the questions startles him as much as it does.

"Not Akusuka, ah, no," he starts cautiously. "Akusuka is known for its dense fan and paparazzi population. That would be a media nightmare for our higher ups, and us. We've primarily kept our meetings in Natura and Dreamfever. Cast Tech, unfortunately, isn't usually a feasible option." He pauses for a second. "Has he never told you these things?"

"We never asked," Green says. "It's his privacy and we knew it was you. To be honest, Dr. 'Nova, the finer details never mattered."

"Fair enough."

"Back in the early days you'd go out with Eve too, right?"

"Yes," Subatomic confirms, surprised. "I'm her mentor more than anything, though that title was more accurate when she had first joined NSR."

"It's weird to think that it was really only the eight- three of you for awhile. The others had just...disappeared so quickly."

Subatomic's chest tightens painfully. He sometimes forgets that the boys had been around during the darker part of NSR's recent history. He still thinks of them as young children during that period, though that couldn't be anymore true than comparing them to fully fledged adults now. 

"You could say they did. We were smart enough to prevail past it though, yes?"

"You could say that," Green chirps, and scoops up another piece of burger.

The rest of their lunch passes quietly and companionably. Green delivers a positive review of his first Falk's burger, but offers the final pieces of it to Subatomic when his throat gets jammed. Subatomic slowly finishes that and the crisps as Green works on unclogging his intake, a thankfully internal process, and then they eat the mint-candies amid conversation about his achievements in robotics.

"But they're not really," Green corrects, a blush somehow evident in his voice.

"You've developed a way to taste and process food," Subatomic insists. "I wouldn't encourage you be humble about it."

"It's impressive, maybe, but what's that going to do for anyone besides me and my brothers? I'm not going to spend three days giving _one_ security bot taste buds."

"You never know," Subatomic says, and leaves it at that.

When Green is sending him off at the service door later, Blue reappears.

"I'm sorry for my absence," Blue apologizes, tone even. "I wasn't really here even though I was the one that called you over."

"It's fine. We'll be seeing each other again soon enough, and you know you're always welcome to call me."

"Everyone doing okay?" Green asks.

Blue nods. "White's cooled down. He said he's sorry. I'm sure he'll tell you directly later. Yellow's milling around, asked where you were. Red's still in his room, though."

Green's shoulders slump marginally. He looks pointedly at Subatomic after only a second of consideration. 

"Yes?"

"You too. How's everyone outside doing?"

"Not much different from in here," Subatomic answers. "Quiet, solemn, in solitude. It's still all contained within the company. I'm sure the media release is scheduled for tonight but I've had my phone off."

"Ugh, I don't even want to think about that," Blue grumbles.

"Same. I keep waiting to get interview calls or something," Green sighs.

"If I know Tatiana, she'll try and fight them off as much as possible. You need only ask," Subatomic tells him.

Green nods glumly and his brother copies the motion sharply.

"Thanks for coming by, man." Blue addresses Subatomic. "I really hope things improve soon. Speaking of, I got a call while you guys were talking." Green's head tips like that of a curious cat. "It was from J's doctors at Akusuka. The first operation was a success. It went really well. Something about, uh, movement in his limbs? They've corrected that. They'll be able to start on his chest and sonar tomorrow."

"What, that's great news!" Green exclaims. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I've been preoccupied," Blue says, strained but clearly happy.

"That's truly wonderful to hear," Subatomic cuts in. 

"It really is. Blue, you should've let me put my number on that sheet too."

"J ordered otherwise, little bro," Blue says apologetically. Green just shrugs and doesn't look too unhappy, so Subatomic assumes they've had the conversation multiple times already.

"Right, you probably want to be heading back now, doc. Sorry about White, mainly." Blue's already working the lock to the door. He must've hit security before he found them.

"You two should stop apologizing. I'm sure I'll be able to recover from such minuscule things."

Blue smiles at the pat he receives on the back, a friendly and familiar gesture.

"Hopefully we get good news soon, all of us," Green says. "Dad-J's limb lock was what I was most concerned about robotics-wise, since he's never had that happen before. They aren't going to start on the scarier organic operations until next week."

" _But_ we'll have seen him by then. I'm sure that will alleviate more stress than you think it will," Subatomic soothes. 

Green makes a upbeat noise that really doesn't affirm anything.

The boys send him off with a synchronized _goodbye~!_ and then Subatomic is alone again in his car with his own thoughts. Keeping to the backroads as per usual allows him plenty of time to reflect. 

He's settled down a fair amount, which is good. He's just as envious as Green of Blue's quick connection to Akusuka General, but for once he realizes it isn't his place. He should be happy with any news that Blue _chooses_ to share. Subatomic will never be one of J's emergency contacts, and that's something he needed to make peace with years ago.

He turns on the radio to help ground his thoughts, and it's a pleasant track that he can't place but has Eve's name written all over the physdub waves of it. Because it's one of her gentler pieces he leaves it on and goes back to his quiet musings.

By the time he's in Natura, he's chased most of his worries and frustrations away. It's just as much his own sound logic as it is the inherent calming aura of Natura that no other district shares. He'd, more subconsciously than not, tuned the radio to the classical station awhile ago. 

Green's mention of such and the soothing warmth of the fauna and music around him reminds Subatomic of the dinner dates he and J had gone to in various places in Natura.

Dinner _dates_. Was that the right word? 

They always scheduled under the guise of a business meeting, safe from prying eyes in a secluded alcove, during the darkest hours when restaurants were just beginning to close for the night. Their status would usually get them time after hours, too.

They'd always talk more like friends than lovers. Sometimes it was actually business, but Subatomic preferred when J would go on about his projects or his boys or even what the clouds looked like when he's glanced out his window that morning. If his hand fell to J's shoulder too often or J's foot remained mostly pressed to his, it wasn't like there was anyone around to see it.

But they'd never referred to each other as "boyfriend" or "partner" or anything other than "friend and co-worker". 1010 had never dropped the "Dr." and "Mr." titles for him. Eve, Tatiana, and Jilpa had never labeled them, even when they referred to them together. In press it was always just "the DJ and 1010's manager".

And yet...

As uncomfortable as they both generally were with the phrase "I love you", it passed naturally between them. Subatomic was sure that J didn't even say it to his boys nearly as much as he did to him. And the most damning piece of evidence, the admission of his own creation: the band J had so gingerly installed into his finger. It was almost literally like being caught red handed.

Fifteen years later they're still caught somewhere between casual fraternization and married couple. If Subatomic wasn't driving he'd be throwing his hands up in despair. 

It's not like he cares about labeling whatever they are. It just seems the right time to do it considering J's condition, in case Subatomic has to come clean to the public. It's not something he ever planned on doing. He just assumed they'd keep it under wraps until their inevitable departures from the material world, all the while crafting a cold trail for Vinyl City's celebrity gossips to follow. 

Now at a stoplight, Subatomic lays his hands overtop each other on the wheel and gazes out the window. Natura is starting to turn purple from the lights of Akusuka. It's not dark enough for the effect to be as dramatic as it as night, but the shade from Natura's botany and Akusuka's skyscrapers turns the normal afternoon street into a site of dappled, intermingling color. 

It's strange, he thinks. Years ago, under different charters, Akusuka and Natura used to blend into each other so seamlessly they were almost the same district. 

As traffic begins moving again, Subatomic turns his focus solely back onto the road and resolves to stop thinking.

  
:::

  
The rest of the day passes quickly, which Subatomic is extremely grateful for. He finally finishes the building permits and finds the motivation to start approving bookings of Club Planetarium. A bit later he takes his phone off silence and responds to texts he'd missed while out. 

Most of them are pretty standard, but his NSR contacts are all J-related. He and Jilpa trade niceties about Yinu a final time and he's reassured to know she doesn't hold anything against him for it. Zuke offers condolences from both halves of Bunk Bed Junction, and the two of them strike up a stimulating conversation on Vinyl City's migratory bat population while Subatomic skims his Chef Sunshine recordings for a dinner recipe.

Eventually he decides on tom yam with just enough ingredients to spare. Zuke tells him that he and Mayday are picking up lunch for some of the others tomorrow after the meeting and that he's welcome to come along.

" _seriously. I just asked may and she said she was cool with it too,_ " Zuke texts, quicker than Subatomic and his fingers of disadvantageous size. " _I know we mainly started inviting you because you're the only one we know with a car but it was nice having you come along_."

It's true that deliveries with those two had been enjoyable more than anything. Maybe a bit of getting used to at first, because Zuke had been shy and Mayday had been loud and both of them were backseat drivers, but eventually they'd learned how to deal with one another. It had been awhile since Subatomic had joined them in a delivery, though he was aware they'd kept them up on the back of a shared moped. Bunk Bed Junction was most frequently on lunch duty during NSR meetings.

Finished peeling shrimp, Subatomic types out a reply.

" _It couldn't hurt. I suppose it would do me well to get out of the house for a bit. We can take orders right after meeting is adjourned and bring back to the tower._ "

After only a few seconds, Zuke responds with a thumbs up.

They text back and forth only a little longer before Zuke says he's got to go and Subatomic's close to finishing the tom yam. Farewells are exchanged and Subatomic ladles the soup into a bowl. He starts on his dinner at the couch, and peruses his selection for a bit before the choice becomes too great and he just throws on a random fluff piece. 

The tom yam turned out rather good, an improvement on a dish he'd already made well in the past. Cooking is one of his lesser known interests, something learned during the largely independent life he's lead. He's always excited to share with his colleagues and receive positive feedback from even the ones without mouths. One time, Yinu and Yellow had both separately compared a pudding he'd made to the perfect shape and gloss of the ones in Akusuka. The like-mindedness had amused him and he'd taken it as a compliment. They'd both fawned over the dessert, after all, and the recipe had been passed along to Jilpa.

As he's finishing the last of his broth, whatever he's watching suddenly and swiftly changes to a live reporter outside of Akusuka. The hospital, specifically. Even if he'd predicted such a thing happening, it still manages to catch him off guard. Isolated from a rather dense looking group of citizens, the reporter has managed to snag Tatiana for an interview. Or maybe she's the one that set it up. Subatomic doesn't know, because he's really not listening. 

After only a little more watching, he turns his television off. He wasn't getting anything from it anyways. He returns to his kitchen with bowl in hand, and grabs his phone from where he left it on the island. He silences it preparation for what he knows is coming. 

Then he inserts his own music into his stereo and starts on the dishes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter serves as a reprieve for myself just as much as the characters. I also finished writing it alongside my replay of NSR, so the ending might be a bit heavy with ideas and tidbits about certain cast members. I'd love to expand on that kind of stuff in independent fics but it's not super feasible, so there'll probably be a lot more headcanons scattered about in the future. Hope that's your cup of tea!


	5. It's Not Your Brain, It's Just the Flame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Brief, unwanted touching/grabbing. Nothing comes of it, but it's a major part of the chapter so here's a heads up.

"Okay. Are we going to talk about that?"

Subatomic barely has the composure to use his voice because all his focus is currently on the tight pressure in his curled fingers. Squeezing in and out, in and out, because if he had something fragile in his hands he'd break it-

"What?"

"May-"

"That went terribly," Subatomic repeats, piercingly clear this time. 

Mayday nods viciously, like it's some sort of revolutionary statement. Her eyes are still alight with anger, teeth still set in a furious line, and her arm still clutched protectively to her chest. 

"Why in the world did we opt for Metro Division? We would've been driving for a mere fifteen minutes more at most. You two talked me into that inane plan in the first place; why did I listen?"

"Woah, dude, you can't just pin this on us," Zuke cuts in harshly. Arguably, he got out most unscathed. Their takeout order remains safe with him. But he's fast to recover. "And we're not going to pin it on you, either. It wasn't any of our faults."

Mayday yells, not for the first time. If she's trying to speak, it comes out as incomprehensible, impassioned noise. Zuke flinches away from her shoulder. She's breathing hard again as he squeezes her tense frame, and she's so obviously close to tears even as she regains the control to speak. "Everyone in Metro Division is rabid!"

An unfairly general statement, but she's not crazy for saying it based on the district's track record. There's a reason 1010's security is so much tighter that that of the other's. 

The marks on Mayday's wrist are just another drop in the ocean.

Subatomic and Zuke had stumbled into the confrontation late, but Mayday had been pretty forthcoming on what had happened. Hair pulled back and hood over her face for discretion, she'd gone to grab lunch while the other two had waited a block down. It wasn't liked she'd had bad experiences with fans before, she'd been sure to point out. The girl on the line, in fact, had been nothing but sweet and accommodating when they'd asked to pick up their order in cautionary solitude. 

But a lone mother and son had joined her side on her walk back, at first kind and just curious. Mayday preserved that she'd been cordial in asking for space: no, she couldn't take a picture right now, sorry, but she hopes she can some other time, really, she doesn't know much about Neon J's condition and she doesn't have anything else to say.

It was around this point that they'd come into view of Subatomic and Zuke. Subatomic hadn't been paying attention, not really, but when Zuke had shot up from his sprawl in the passenger seat it had definitely alarmed him. 

And then the woman had dared to put her hands on Mayday. 

Around the wrist, tight enough, noticeable enough, even at that distance. And yet her smile had remained unwaveringly saccharine. Mayday, on the other hand, had gone still and silent in a snapping instant the way only someone swallowed completely by fear could.

Zuke had been out of the car in an instant. Subatomic had been by the door, leaning, waiting.

It seemed that time had slowed for Mayday, because she had just stood there, rigid, until the startled yelp of the mother at the arrival of company seemed to rip her from her trance and she tore her hand away with ferocity. 

After that it had all been familiar. The rushed apologies, the claims of a lapse in judgement, the face on the verge of cracking from the force of ill-contained, hot outrage. Zuke had settled them in the backseat. Only the tick in his cheek gave away that he wasn't just worried. Mayday's face had transformed from shell shocked to unbridled rage. Even behind tinted windows, the perpetrator moving steadily farther away, she seemed intent on not letting a single tear drop. Subatomic had glanced at her strained expression at a light. He'd wanted to tell her that it was okay if she cried.

He hadn't.

The anger in the car had been too potent. For Mayday and Zuke, it was a strange and alien anger. For Subatomic, it was not.

It had been years ago, and the incidents hadn't repeated since. But that utter terror on Mayday's face, the bracing for only the worst to happen, the following hollow silence and then the screaming fear blended into rage? He had experienced it with a few of the other artists prior.

Subatomic squeezes the wheel and forces himself back into the present. Forces himself away from thoughts about _him_ , because there's been too much of that lately.

"I'd suggest you two look into a driver," he advises tightly, to fill the silence. "I can't imagine Tatiana turning you down if you tell her what happened."

"I can't do that," Mayday says almost immediately. "Even with...even with what that lady did...I can't give up and hide away at the first sign of people like her. I can't abandon everybody else because a small number suck."

"May...it might be in our best interest," Zuke counters quietly.

"Are you _serious_ , Zuke?" She sounds legitimately betrayed.

"We literally work for NSR. We don't keep that a secret, either."

"Yeah, but-"

"But nothing." His voice is suddenly firm and allows no room for the incoming protest. Even Subatomic tenses at it. "May, I'm sorry, but when your safety gets put into jeopardy I'm putting my foot down. I don't ever want to have go through that again. That- that much fear of what a fan might do to you."

It's all so _familiar_.

"Zuke..."

But here, the moment diverges.

Here, the authority drains from Zuke's voice the second he speaks up again. He is instead endlessly apologetic. 

"I'm sorry. I could have worded that any other way, oh my god. Shit, guys, I'm so sorry, I'm still all on edge."

"Zuke, it's..." Mayday trails off. The fire has left her. In its place is an unsure sorrow.

"Your concern is understandable," Subatomic says carefully, to give her time to formulate a sentence. "The fan culture around us artists can be harrowing at times. It was inevitable you two would have to face it, despite the precautions."

"Zuke, buddy, I was scared too, okay? But you know I can take care of myself, yeah? Vouch for me, DJ."

Subatomic hums in affirmation.

"I know you can. I never said you couldn't." Zuke sighs, and Subatomic can hear the shifting of fabric that likely indicates he's rubbing his hands over his face anxiously. "Doesn't mean I'm not gonna worry. Back then, I knew you could've kicked Kliff's ass if you wanted. I was still scared we wouldn't be able to stop him, though."

"Oh, Zuke. Hey, look at it this way. Kliff and this were years apart. It's not like it happens to me a lot. You don't have to be so worried for me. And anyways, I got you watching my five."

"It's 'watching my six'."

"Can it, space-brain," Mayday says. What follows is a beat of silence, and Subatomic looks briefly back to see that Mayday has gathered her bandmate in a reassuring embrace.

"We're almost back," he tells them, gaze kept pointedly straight to allow them their privacy and spare himself any discomfort. "I encourage you to tell not only Tatiana but the others about this, if you're willing. I'm sure they'd have plenty to say about the issue."

"But not you?" Zuke asks. He sounds tired, but no longer strained.

"I haven't had to deal with such things, no. Surely you've noticed how limited my security tends to be when compared to the others."

"I just assumed the money was going elsewhere," Mayday says, half teasing and half sincere.

"Mhm, well, I seem to have more luck with the matter. More civilized fans, more secluded venues. It's rare we need such low security, but the-" He hesitates. "-the previous Akusuka head had been similarly lucky."

"How come you guys never talk about him? This morning was probably the only time I've ever heard you guys mention him."

The urge to simply ignore her, and to ignore him, is strong. But Subatomic is growing weary of doing such things. Of locking things out until they become a problem rather than a thought.

"It's difficult," he confesses. "Sometimes, it still feels like he died only last week."

That plunges the car back into silence. The air grows heavy with mourning and regret, and Subatomic can feel that they are all thinking the same thing, all envisioning the same, uncertain future. 

And it carries with them all the way back to the tower, where only the warmth of the sun can dispel enough tension for him to let them know, quietly, that they've arrived.

:::

Mayday's incident with the mother is quick to garner her the attention of the room. Tatiana, most acquainted with such things, consoles her in that professional way of hers. Jilpa is far more emotional, and Mayday has to reassure her many times that she's alright before she backs down. With Tila, Remi, and White she gets speculative, which is far from helpful, but their exaggerated and comical conspiracies do seem to cheer her up. Zuke distributes the take-out, but is never more than a few feet from her side.

Subatomic watches it all unfold as he eats his japchae beside the meeting room table. Eve sits pensively at his side on the table, her food untouched.

"Did we miss anything?" 

"Hardly," she answers. The current cut of her hair prevents him from reading her face at this angle. "We ceased talking business soon after you left."

"Mmm," he hums, and then, deciding once again to forgo his inhibitions, asks, "Are you alright?"

"Why do you ask?"

He aims his chopsticks at the styrofoam in her hands. "You aren't eating."

"That doesn't mean I'm not alright," she says calmly, but pops the lid. "I'm just distracted. The meeting resurfaced many feelings I thought I had long put to rest."

"You're not the only one."

"Jilpa said the same thing."

"I'm not surprised. She knew him longer than we did."

Eve's head tilts, becomes fixed on the rice in her lap. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Subatomic looks back to the other artists. They're all eating at the table now. B2J seem back to their respective upbeat and relaxed selves. Mayday is talking loudly, simultaneously inhaling her food at a worryingly fast pace, and Zuke nods along to her garble like it's decipherable. To him, it probably is. Tatiana is noticeably missing from the group, and when he turns his head she's come over to join them. 

The three of them form a little triangle at the table edge. 

"Thank you for staying over here," Tatiana starts, hands clasped at her waist. "I have news for the group, but I thought it might serve you two best to hear it first."

"Of course," Eve says. 

Then, much unlike what he had been expecting, Tatiana breaks into a small, careful smile. "They've given us permission to visit. Much earlier than expected, no?"

Subatomic's heart is suddenly pounding. Relief floods through him in an instant, sprouting from his chest and upwards until he's almost a bit dizzy.

"When?" he sputters, hardly dignified. 

"Tomorrow night, five o'clock. They're only allowing two groups in tomorrow. I penciled you two in for half an hour," Tatiana explains. The cracked angles of her face seem to soften.

"His boys are the other, I presume?"

Tatiana nods.

"Have you talked to him, then?" Eve asks. Her posture is open and attentive.

"I haven't, but I hear he's doing alright. Alright enough for visitors."

"And you're giving us first rights to visit him?" Not even consciously, he'd been under the assumption that business would come first. "Tatiana- I don't even know what to say." 

"The choice wasn't mine, obviously," Tatiana huffs, but it's all in jest. "It was his."

"Yes, obviously, DJ Head-In-The-Clouds," Eve remarks, now bright. Subatomic chooses not to comment on the pedestrian-girl nature of the nickname, because it's not important. Nothing else is as important as the confirmation that he will be seeing J again in hardly more than twenty four hours time.

"Now, there's a lot of rules you'll need to follow when we get out there. Even more so, if the incident this afternoon was indicative of anything. I want you both at the headquarters in Akusuka before we head down, is that clear?"

"Yes, Tati." 

"Crystal."

Tatiana shakes her head fondly. "Good. Now, go join the others. I've kept you in a corner for long enough."

 _You have no idea_ , Subatomic thinks. 

He is still shaking with exultation, filled to bursting with emotion, shocked and flabbergasted and nerves alight when he sits down, and if he had the ability to cry, he knows, without a doubt, he would be sobbing in relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that this chapter is later than usual. I had a small lapse of disinterest with this one. It was rewritten, I think, three times, and a lot of my original intentions were cut because they were just so dry to read. So I'm sorry if this chapter didn't meet your expectations! I promise the next one will be a lot more interesting. 
> 
> On the subject of late release, it's entirely possible that the gaps between chapters will grow bigger, and I apologize in advance. I'm interested in writing other stuff too, NSR fics and non-NSR fics, and those may become priority here and there. If it works out, the chapters will hopefully start growing longer to compensate ^^


	6. Tampuhan

The world passes by in color. Akusuka gleams pink and blue. Dazzling, crisp pastels flood the streets they drive through. Though the sun has begun to set, one wouldn't be able to tell through the light bath. From the car to the hospital is a wave of muted purple punctuated by sharp flashes, and then back into brightness. White walls and white floors and white lights, because it wouldn't be any other color.

And then the room. 

It's quiet in there, compared to the constant noise of the district outside. Like a cork in a bottle. And it's warm. Color-wise, it's warm. The lights seem more orange than blue, parodying the sunset outside. But the real vivid color comes from everywhere else. It comes from the bouquets, gift boxes, balloons, and bottles filling the place. They line the walls, take up chairs, and crawl up from the floor to rest at the foot of the bed.

It's there, in that bed, a point of neutrality in the sea of saturation, where J lays.

"You came!" he exclaims, screen flicking from the card in his hands to the doorway. He almost sounds surprised. His body is tense, alert, bated in anticipation, and his fingers may even twitch on the card slightly. 

And Subatomic caves, and is at him in an instant and gathering him up in his arms.

"Shit, hon, I'm still delicate," J warns, but he's laughing. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He pulls back but can't bring himself to take his grip off J's shoulders. J, for his part, settles his hands on Subatomic's and continues to laugh. He glances to the doorway, and perks up.

Before he can speak, Eve is at his side too, kneeling on the bed, throwing her arms around him and burying the three of them in the magenta swathes of her coat.

"You okay?" J asks them, gently, worriedly.

"Are we- J, you-" Subatomic can't even bring himself to say anything. He's affronted that J even asked. He sighs heavily, and shakes the man as delicately as he can muster. "That shouldn't be of concern to you."

Eve nods. "Really, how are _you_?"

"It absolutely can be a concern of mine," J insists. He knuckles Subatomic's head lightly. "I haven't seen you in awhile. Don't worry about this old soldier none. I'm not gonna be in this place for much longer."

"Your procedures are almost done?" Eve guesses. 

J chuckles and pats her arm around his shoulders.

"Just about. Leg replacement, open heart, hmmm...I think that's it..."

Subatomic helps him get readjusted when he and Eve pull away. While he's taking a seat beside the bed, he observes. It's so strange seeing J like this, all wired up and dressed like he's a normal person. He's got the hospital gown around his waist, though, which means he might've been overheating earlier. If so, that hasn't stopped him from wearing an open zip up hoodie, rolled to his elbows, but the fact that it's the one he wears while in the shop explains that away. 

The medical report had listed cardiac failure because of a malfunctioning chest component. That seems to have been fixed, though. The portion of J's torso that is metal looks the same as it always does, perhaps even shinier and cleaner than normal. The skin over his heart has no more scarring than usual. He imagines it won't stay like that for long, though.

There's only one available chair left in the room, which Subatomic takes. Eve, taller but less broad, sits cross legged by J's legs. Subatomic's fingertips rest on J's blanketed hip while the three of them talk.

"Yeah, a Cabernet Sauvignon and a Vang Dalat," J's saying, in response to Eve's question about the bottles in the corner. "Someone even imported in an Aligote. I must've had that while I was in the Azkar Faction, decades ago. Don't know what I'm going to do with 'em."

"Tati's always been particular to reds," Eve notes.

Subatomic hums. "Are you going to gift her then?"

"It's all yours. Not much I can do with it." J shrugs. "Oh, but leave the Vang Dalat alone. Green wanted it."

"He's graduated to liquids? That was fast."

"If he thinks he can handle it, I'm not going to stop him."

"He can eat?" Eve asks.

J and Subatomic nod.

"As of just a few days ago. He's been so productive while I've been out," J explains enthusiastically. "I'm so _proud_ ~!"

"You must bring him around to Dreamfever," Eve remarks. Her clasped hands rise from her lap and her pointer fingers touch her chin in thought. "Any proper megastar is familiar with fine dining."

"He's been most excited about trying everything in Metro Division."

"Pre conceived bias," Subatomic supplies. 

"He just wants to get drunk. I'm surprised the alcohol didn't leave the room with him, though he tried." He suddenly laughs-- a sharp, victorious noise. "Ha, see? I'm still working fine."

"If he wants to be so adult, I'll order him a charcuterie board," Eve jokes.

This hits its mark, and Subatomic makes a noise of upset.

"God, anything but. You'll turn him off food entirely."

J starts to snicker, but then makes a harsh, broken sound that has Eve and Subatomic looking at him in alarm. He shudders a little bit, and wipes quickly at the base of his screen-head. When he looks back up, his gaze swipes between them.

"What?"

"What was _that_? Are you alright?" Subatomic asks, prodding at his chest.

J bats his hand away. "I sneezed. I think."

Mutual confusion passes between himself and Eve in a glance. J gestures to the far corner of the room.

"Someone sent in a bouquet I'm allergic to. _That_ kept happening so I put it over there. I'll give 'em one thing. I haven't sneezed in years."

He breaks into laughter, and Eve gets off the bed to go and inspect the aforementioned bouquet. After a bit of shuffling, she holds up a pot wrapped in red paper laden with a white trim. Pink, trumpet shaped flowers with yellow stamens fill it. Eve regards it for a second while the other two wait for her verdict.

"You're allergic to mugunghwa flowers?"

"Yes, that's what they're called! It's unfortunate; my mother used to keep them in the house. We didn't realize I was allergic until I was...ah, I must've been sixteen by then." He pauses, and his head falls to Subatomic's shoulder like it's second nature. "How'd you know what they were called?"

"You remember my collaboration with Yinu two years ago?"

"Yeah."

"We were looking for pink and yellow flowers for the arrangements in the promotional campaign. Mugunhwa flowers were considered. We didn't end up using them. I still have a pot of showy evening primroses, however."

"I've never been able to keep house plants. They always die on me," Subatomic says. Eve smiles like she isn't surprised by that at all. "It was the same with the fish."

"Oh, that was sad," J sighs. 

Eve, who hadn't been around for the fish, adds nothing. 

"The boys really wanted a dog for awhile, and then a cat, and then parakeets. It never really ended. Last I checked they wanted monitor lizards. I didn't even know what those were."

"Dogs are a hassle. You dodged a bullet," Subatomic tells him.

"I've never been fond of dogs either. There's some gorgeous birds on the market, though. But I can't imagine ever getting one," Eve says. She's returned to sitting on the bed.

"Dogs are great, you both are crazy," J declares. "There's a reason they're called 'man's best friend'."

"You've never owned a dog," Subatomic gripes.

" _Neither have you_ ~"

He coughs slightly at the end of it, but waves his hand hurriedly when Subatomic shifts. Subatomic's gaze flicks to the monitors beside him, even if he doesn't understand a number on them, because it's more of a knee jerk reaction than anything.

"Man, I'm tired," J complains, though he sounds far from upset. "It must be late."

Eve's face falters. "It's about five thirty."

"Really?" He sounds a little dazed. "Hmmm, I'm not surprised." He tucks into Subatomic's shoulder a bit more fully. "It's the meds they have me on. I'm tired too early and then up all night. Just another reason to get out of here."

"Yes, that sounds unpleasant," Subatomic agrees. He knows that J's usual sleep schedule is far from sublime, but it's consistent. He's at least better about working himself to exhaustion than the present company, and he's perfectly functional and energetic ninety nine days out of one hundred. 

His mind almost starts wandering to thoughts of old age, but that gets shut down before it can even start.

"We should be taking our leave," Eve says quietly. "You need as much rest as you can get so you can come back to us sooner."

"Metro Division's already falling apart?"

"It's certainly not the same without you," Subatomic says. 

J's head turns out towards the sea of gifts. Subatomic looks with him, and once again finds himself struck by the sheer amount of colors in it all. 

"I do miss it. I miss just doing things. I have to sit here all day, every day. I miss moving."

Eve bends over and embraces him. J is quick to reciprocate. It's a quiet, hopeful thing, all encompassed by magenta. When Subatomic looks at them he is filled with both fondness and a sharp, bittersweet sadness.

"I'll give you two a moment," Eve promises as she's pulling back. "But get well quickly, J. I want to see you at the tower again soon."

J smooths his hands down the fluffy arms of her coat. "Aye aye. I'll call you when I can."

Eve smiles. She hugs him once more and then slides off the bed. As she's passing Subatomic on her way out, she gives J one more soft look. 

The door closes behind her with a noise almost too quiet to hear.

And then it's just the two of them.

"I'm sorry," comes tumbling out of Subatomic's mouth. 

"Sub," J sighs, sounding sad and frustrated and tender all at once. He thumbs at Subatomic's head, slides his hand down to rest firmly on his chest. "Don't say that."

"I could have been more observant."

"You really couldn't have. _I_ couldn't have."

Subatomic goes quiet. He wants to retaliate, but the argument is over before it even really began. J's head tilts in the manner that Subatomic has come to associate with a coy smile.

"It's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility. It's not _you_."

Subatomic huffs. "It never was. I'm sorry, for that, and that this happened at all."

"Yeah, it really sucks. I probably could've avoided it too, that's the worst part."

"J..."

"I'm serious. And that's why I'm so frustrated. I moved the operation date back, I was working later nights, and then it just all became too much. I'm big enough to admit that."

Subatomic pulls him to his chest. 

"You know I'm gonna be alright, right?"

Subatomic squeezes him harder. "I just worry."

"I've already been blown to bits and reassembled from the ground up. My brain's literally been crammed into a nine by eleven ratio. Surgeries and replacements...they don't scare me."

And it's that which scares Subatomic. J's lack of fear, his brashness. He's not immune to memories, but he can be so flippant about life. He almost acts immortal sometimes, reassures that if he falls apart he can just piece himself back together. His disregard for his own safety can be concerning. Subatomic's never brought it up, though, because he's never had reason to. 

But now he does. Now it worries him.

He kisses J on top of his screen-head in the only way that he can. It's not enough. It will never be enough.

"You'll see me out of here soon," J says. He's smoothing his hand repetitively down Subatomic's collar. "Don't worry."

"I can't promise that," Subatomic responds, and he means it. 

J angles his head to meet him. The two of them are quiet for a moment. 

"I'll be out of here soon," J repeats with determination. "I'll call you. We'll talk. It'll be like I never left you."

Subatomic burrows into his shoulder, squeezes him one last time with a fierceness he hopes says everything.

"Okay," he concedes. 

J laughs gently, a noise that is more like a comforting hum from within his chassis that he presses beneath Subatomic's head. The cool length of his body is missed. When they part again, he runs his hands down Subatomic's face one more time, and they come to rest over his heart in a practiced clasp.

"I love you," he says firmly.

"And I love you," Subatomic reciprocates, just as unwavering. 

J leaves him a parting kiss on the cheek. "Travel safe, cadet."

And then they are apart again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad to have reached this chapter, and I hope you all are too! This chapter was a breeze to write, actually, which was a surprise to me seeing as I finished it on the tail end of the first non-NSR fic I've published since I've started for this fandom. It was also super quick to edit, which is great because AO3's text editor is a nightmare.
> 
> My only regret with this one is my lack of musical knowledge. I would have loved to have made some wine and flower puns
> 
> **Also! I've been considering adding chapter titles. Not very good with coming up with those, but I figured it might make it a bit easier to traverse the fic as more chapters are added. Any thoughts?


	7. The Split Perception Theory

Subatomic wakes up the next morning near three o'clock. Three fifteen exactly, which on any other day would fill him with a banal satisfaction. 

He lies on his back, staring up at the ceiling for just a second too long so the haze of sleep disappears and he resigns himself to wakefulness. It's tepid acceptance at best. He grabs his phone from the nightstand anyways, and rolls onto his stomach to read through the eighty notifications he's gotten since eleven o'clock the previous night.

There's a handful of interview requests, reminders for public works projects, articles identified by the keyword of his name. He's quick to clear them all and block a few circulators. That list has long since grown longer than his collection of contacts.

He ignores anyone work related for the moment and opens his text messages with Blue.

 _Can you come over today_ , he's sent. 

Their texting tends to be pretty succinct. One sentence at a time, back and forth, so unlike the paragraphs he exchanges with J. 

Subatomic sighs. Agrees that he will and asks for a time.

It's as he's polishing his helmet after a shower that Blue answers.

_Soon? five? early so you dont attract attention._

And shortly after...

_Whites being an ass. If you come over he'll leave me alone_

Subatomic scrapes over a tiny chip in his helmet, at one of the cheeks. He rubs at it idly while he types out his response. It's, of course, very early, and the heat and steam of his shower has invaded his room and contributed to the lull in his thought process. He's sure he could now go back to sleep if he wanted.

_I'll try my best. Keep the peace until I've arrived alright? are the others up yet?_

As he's returning the glass polish and rag to his nightstand, he runs his finger over the scuff in the wood surface. He hasn't forgotten how it got there, though the memory fails to make him blush anymore, and instead, strangely, the mark no longer frustrates or embarrasses him but brings out a wave of sadness. As stupid of a thought as it is, he can't help but be irked by the (completely preposterous) possibility of a scratch on his nightstand or chip on his face being the only reminders he'd have of J.

It's inane. He's got the ticket stubs to prove that ghosts exist and love to haunt the material world. Thoughts and artifacts that gut him out and leave him feeling vile, obviously.

_His phone chirps and it's Blue saying, Just me and white. Yellow and red might be up soon but Green's gonna be recharging for awhile._

_Why?_

_He spent all day in the shop yesterday and drained completely. I think white s really pissed about it_

Subatomic settles his head in his palm and side eyes his phone, and reminds himself that ghosts aren't real and J is going to be _fine._

_I'll be there shortly._

  
:::

  
He shows up to Barraca Mansion in his bathrobe. He's found that the original intention of the manufacturer hardly matters if an item of clothing fills another purpose. The bathrobe is high end—classic navy in color with a fine cut around the waist that makes it look more like a peacoat. A splurge purchase. 

He'd donned it after discovering his few pieces of outwear were in the wash. There was the winter parka, the one reserved for vacations, and the rain jacket, which often accompanied one of his hoodies, but neither felt appropriate for this outing. 

The bathrobe was an easy pick, hell—he'd worn such a thing out in public before, and his comfort would be valued above preconceived notions of presentability at five in the morning. 

Subatomic justifies this all in his head, ready to defend himself at the smallest slight, and then Blue opens the service door to let him in and he's wearing the same thing.

Suddenly, his own justification doesn't seem nearly as necessary as that of an android's. 

Blue just seems to find it amusing. 

He guides Subatomic to sit at one of the islands in the kitchen and starts a pot of coffee. All the while, he chatters about the origin of his robe: a collab with Sayu. Subatomic sympathizes with his displeasure at the amount of bubbles any collaboration with the digital idol tends to bring.

"My joints were sticky for, like, a week after," Blue's saying. He's got a fist under his chin in thought. "It wasn't a great first impression. J had to import some non-glycerin based stuff after–it looks like dry ice when it pops, yeah?"

"Ah, yes. The effect is rather pleasing." 

"Green was so fascinated with the stuff," Blue chuckles. "And then he got really into dry ice. Man, there was so much dry ice in our performances for awhile. And our house. The kitchen staff barely had room in the fridges."

Subatomic looks out to the hallway. "How is Green?"

"Oh, he's alright," Blue answers. "Just needs to charge and chill out. I bet he's still in shock."

"In shock?"

Blue tilts his head slightly. "Did he not tell you? He's...the one that found J."

Subatomic doesn't like that way that sounds. "He didn't."

Blue's gaze turns to the floor. "Well, he's the only one that goes into the 'shop besides the captain so...he's the one that found him. J falls asleep in there sometimes, so he wasn't too worried, but when he got closer he...shit, well...he was leaking? Kinda? Which is sorta normal for us, but not for him. And it—he was cold when Green touched him, so he thought—"

"That's enough," Subatomic says. Blue's voice was begun to shake, which it _never_ does. It sometimes rises, but it never _shakes_. "This is causing you distress to recount. You should stop."

Blue exhales; a vent disguised as an unsteady breath. "Okay."

"I visited him yesterday, did you know?" Hours ago, really, despite feeling like weeks, but he doesn't say so. "I wouldn't have been able to tell something happened." He pauses. 

"He sneezed."

It has the intended effect, because Blue asks, "He what?" with much less dolefulness.

"Sneezed. He was allergic to bouquet of...ah, what was it..."

"Mugunghwas," comes from the kitchen entrance. Subatomic jumps halfway out of his skin. 

"I'm not here to pick a fight." 

Blue is staring coldly at their intruder. That steely gaze tracks from over Subatomic's shoulder to the kettle beside him, revealing that White, as suspected, is the new arrival. Subatomic, still recovering, watches him reach for the kettle the exact second it finishes roasting. He takes on the job of pouring a cup and flavoring it just so as the others watch without objection. The mystery of how both he and Green know how he takes his coffee doesn't deserve investigation at the moment. 

But it's set on the back burner.

"I came to apologize," White says. He sets Subatomic's coffee down in front of him. "And to talk."

"What for? About what?" Blue asks, surly in tone but ever the peace-keeper.

"My attitude, being overbearing, my bluntness," White lists. "And I wanted to come to an understanding."

Subatomic sips at his coffee and stares at the tile trim on the wall. It's really quite tasteful. His kudos to the designer.

"An understanding?" He almost sounds offended. 

"I'm not just being a dick for no reason," White replies bluntly. "The stuff J and I talked about has really being weighing on me."

"White, can we do this later—"

"Blue, he told me that in the worse case scenario I'd be the one taking over. The new manager. The new captain, he said."

The room falls into silence. Subatomic can feel it settle in his very bones. Suddenly, his arms are a lot stiffer. He tightens his grip on the coffee mug in preparation for anymore shocking announcements. 

"He said it again."

At least his intuition is still sharp. Subatomic gently sets his mug down on the island as his body is gripped with a freezing dosage of horror and confusion. 

"Again?" he asks, steady. 

The brothers turn. It's amazing how much White can facially seethe when his eyebrows can't angle more than three degrees.

"Yes," he says, sharply, with finality.

Blue is much more generous. "He said the same thing to White eight years ago."

Subatomic pauses mid-breath.

It's dangerous territory, talking about _those_ two with _these_ two. Funnily enough, it's dangerous for two reasons. Less so is that Blue and White have eldest sibling status. This goes doubly for White, who'd had his software developed before J had even moved to Vinyl City. Blue and Red were created around the same time, but the former fits the mold much more snugly than the latter. Subatomic would argue with complete confidence that the pair had experienced the most of NSR's history out of the group. Hell, White alone would probably account for more than half of Green and Yellow's memories combined.

Personal relationships is the far more deadly pitfall. Green, Yellow, and Red knew the previous charters, but Blue and White had befriended them. It's more subtle with Blue, who seems to care naught for any genre but his own, and who doesn't like the aesthetics of Natura or the original Akusuka, and who hooked into Subatomic's shoulder like an annoying little burr that eventually earned his place. 

But the sunglasses, rather than amplify, undermine his aloofness every morning he puts them on. They are a declaration of caring—something he doesn't try to hide but so often forgets to show. He styles his hair, slides them on, and sometimes he'll dress in a long coat that makes him such a copy it steals breath.

And yet with White it's far more precarious. 

Blue only admired his colleagues and learned to recover from their deaths. White was taken under a wing and so forgot how to fly when it left him. Everyone who'd ever met Dima Zoloto had been charmed by him, White especially being swept in by the gentlemanly grace and the humble self-depreciation of a man that, oblivious to it, had the room eating right out of his hand, but he was charmed hardest by Akusuka's original charter. 

It made sense, in a funny way, seeing as he was the model most closely resembling his creator.

White had been determined to become the perfect reflection of those two men. He'd left the aesthetics of that to Blue but had otherwise devoted all his efforts into turning into what must've been his ideal image of a man. 

It must've been a shock to him when they'd both died within the same year. Angered him, even, because Subatomic remembered—

_You never treat me like they did. I don't even exist to you, do I? You can't even say 'hello' to me when you see me._

_It's not fair. They both had so much time left. Yinu is only six. It's not fair._

And—

_You're upset because it wasn't him, yes? I wouldn't be shocked, or even angry. You just wish he'd chosen him instead of me._

Subatomic would like to believe that weight is gone in both of them. Blue holds no remnants of it at all, only a subtle sadness that rarely appears and can easily be calmed.

But Subatomic knows that, unlike his brother, White's resentment remains in small doses. He can feel it sometimes, eyes on the back of his neck, and if he turns fast enough, he'll catch a bitter and heartbroken look that is trying to replace him with someone who is no longer here.

So yes, discussion of Dima and Bernadotte is dangerous territory with Blue and White. And now Subatomic is reminded of why it's also dangerous territory with J.

"He was so quiet all the time," White says. It's steady but stiff like it's been said many times before, just never out loud. "He would jump when you got near, even thought he had to have known you were there. And he was such a hypocrite. He always told us it was okay to express how we felt but never did it himself. He just—he just stayed in the workshop for days on end and worked until he couldn't. I don't even know what he was doing in there. I thought he would never go back to normal. It—scared me."

"White, this isn't like that," Blue says. His hand comes to rest on White's shoulder, a gesture neither of them can feel but that often makes an appearance. 

"I know it isn't, but it just feels like it is. He got quiet again when he told me I would be the next captain and it freaked me out because it just felt so much like the other time."

"Was this when you first visited him?" Subatomic asks, bracing. 

"Yeah," White sighs. Any fight from before is gone. "Yeah. He hadn't gone through any surgeries yet, just some internal repairs. I think he was just as scared as I was."

Subatomic looks at him, really looks at him and the most minute expressions he can manage. He softens his voice considerably. "He's alright now. When we visited him yesterday, you couldn't even tell anything had happened, yes? He's going to be okay, White."

White huffs a laugh, a sound that is far too human for his voice box, and wipes uselessly at his eye to compete the illusion. "Yeah, he is. He better be."

Blue pulls him against his side. Stomach more settled, Subatomic takes a sip of his coffee.

"You can make yourself breakfast with what's in the fridge, doc," Blue offers. "We'll be here for a couple more hours before our presser."

"Thank you. If you don't mind, I'll take you up on that."

And just like that, the air changes.

He's thankful for Blue's ability to be endlessly observant and retentive. He finishes his coffee quickly, and goes to make himself another cup before pursuing his available supplies in the fridges. White and Blue talk amongst themselves behind him, and he shuts them out as best as he can to give them some privacy. 

Time passes uneventfully and quickly, and he's just finishing a second soft boiled egg when Yellow joins the group.

"Hey, Dr. Nova." In an instant he's at Subatomic's side, so intrigued by cooking despite his inability to enjoy the results.

"Kaya toast and soft boiled eggs," Subatomic indicates at his expectant gaze. 

Yellow bends down for a closer look, and Subatomic subtly shifts the plate away so the blanket wrapped around his person doesn't dip into his eggs. 

"How'd you sleep?" White calls from the island.

"Fine. Are you cool now?"

"Yes. Sorry. I'm cool now."

Yellow smiles (his face plates are most suited for this) like all transgressions are forgiven. It's sort of nice. The atmosphere in Barraca has been a little heavy as of late. 

"You should save some of this for Green," Yellow says, back to Subatomic and his breakfast in an instant. "Oh, and for me! He's gonna try and install eating equipment for me first."

"How long will that take?"

"Hmm...a few days. He has to take measurements, and then build another model, and then I have to go under when he puts it in. It'll be worth it, though! We have a whole list of places we're gonna try as soon as it's done."

Subatomic huffs in amusement despite himself.

"Eggs don't tend to last that long, but I can give you the recipe. I'll send it to your brother."

Yellow lights up immediately, like Subatomic's just handed him his platinum disk and a budget of a million dollars to do with as he wishes. 

"Are you serious? Just send it to me, I'll give you my number! Oh, oh, I'll just ask Blue for it. Can you send me other recipes? Desserts! Send me dessert recipes. Do you still have the recipe for the pandan pudding?"

Subatomic grabs his finished plate. "In due time. I'll send you the soft boiled egg recipe, and then more as you finish them. It's best you start with something far more simple than pudding."

"Aw, really? Okay, I'm cool with that. Let me go grab my phone and you can send it."

He bounds out of the room, gone just as quickly as he arrived. 

"He's rather jovial," Subatomic notes, returning to the island to eat.

"He's most optimistic about the captain's recovery," White says. "Honestly, we should all be striving to be more like him."

"I'm just glad he's out of his room. He and Red both," Blue adds.

"That's good to hear."

"Everything's kinda starting to return to normal," Blue says. His head tilts forward at that slight angle that indicates relief. "J'll be back in no time too, and then we can get back to concerts and stuff. I'm really glad. It always sucks to leave our fans for so long."

Subatomic feels a flash of venom. It's gone before it can really be processed, though.

"Same here. My joints are all locked up," White laments. 

The conversation closes him out, which Subatomic is just fine with, and he starts on his toast and the remainder of his coffee. He stays off his phone, mostly for politeness, but there's also something comforting about watching the two brothers chatter while he eats breakfast beside them like its a normal, everyday thing. He's spent mornings with them before, and every year he learns to appreciate them more. J missing is a sharp little damper, but if he pretends hard enough he can imagine that he's just upstairs getting ready for the day.

It's domestic. That word didn't apply to his life for a very long time. It warms him up; tweaks his heart a bit, enough to make him choke up; that he can use it once more.

Yellow comes prancing back into the kitchen with his phone in hand. He settles beside Subatomic, already back into discussion like he never left, pausing only once to let the table know that Red will be coming down to join them shortly.

Subatomic observes the familiar affection of it all, and hopes that J will be able to return to his boys soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned! (much applause and celebration) Ok, well, I never really disappeared, but I did take a break from End of the Road. It was something I really needed, so I'm grateful to you guys for being patient! I apologize that A) this chapter wasn't much longer to compensate and B) this is probably going to happen again in the future. I really enjoy writing this fic, but I'd like to work on others. I really hope that the supplement of other NSR fics makes that time inbetween chapters feel less long 
> 
> Before I leave you, I'd like to point out that I added chapter titles. To be completely honest, I did so just because I was bored. But they were fun to come up with, and I hope they make navigation a bit easier as End of the Road continues to grow in size
> 
> Oh, and of course, I forgot to mention that Bernadotte's name was coined by the user Urza in the fic The Solution!


End file.
